Last night was a nightmare that I wouldn't wish on any parent. No, it wasn't the worst thing that could happen. Both of my girls are safely home now and no one was physically injured or abused, but I was still terrified and am still left emotionally and physically exhausted with tears ready to fall.
It began with Beth, my sixteen year old daughter, deciding to spend the day with her eighteen year old boyfriend before going to work. She didn't tell me where she was going. She just said that she was going to hang out with him for awhile. She was out the door before I could say anything to her. However, Cassidy noticed, as they pulled out of the driveway, that her boyfriend (Justin) was driving her car. At that point, I immediately sent a text to her, telling her that he cannot drive her car because he isn't covered by the insurance, and I would be liable if anything happened. She didn't reply to the text.
When she came to work at 6:00, I had already been there for several hours. I asked what she and Justin had been up to that day. She said they just spent time together and went "all over" but didn't provide any specifics. I then said, "you know he can't drive your car, right?" She said that she knew it and that he hadn't been driving her car. I pointed out that I knew he was driving it when they left the house, so she changed her story to say that they switched places as soon as she got my text.
Twenty minutes later, Justin came in to Burger King, and she handed him her debit card. I asked her why she gave him that, and she told me that he needed it to put gas in the car. I then told her that she has proven she is not responsible enough to have a car, so she no longer has a car, I'm taking it away. She didn't speak to me again for the rest of the evening.
After I got off work at 8:45, I waited for her to get off work, since her car was still not in the parking lot. She got off work at 9:15. When we walked into the parking lot together, Justin was there with her car. I told her that she needed to get her car, and I would follow her home, then she was going to hand over her keys. She started yelling at me, telling me that she was moving out and was going to be emancipated. She said that she can prove that I'm an unfit parent, so she'll easily be able to be free from me. She then ran after Justin, who was driving away from us, and jumped into the car. I got into my car and followed. In order to get away, he drove with no lights on in the car and ducked down a side street. I lost them. I went home and transferred all the money from her checking account into her savings account, so she didn't have access to it. While at home, I received an alert from the bank that detailed her spending for the day. She had spent over $100 and some of the money was spent in a town about 45 minutes away from here. She knows she is not allowed to drive that far. It is a discussion we've had several times.
Two hours later, I was still at home, worrying. I then got a call from Beth's dad. He said that she was somewhere safe with Justin and wasn't coming home for the night. I told him to call her back and let her know that I was going to call the police if she didn't make it home by midnight. He called me back at midnight and told me she was on her way home. He also said that he promised her that she can move in with his wife (they're separated) if she came home tonight.
Twenty minutes after the call from her dad, Beth calls me and asks me to transfer some money into her checking account, so she could get Justin a hotel room for the night because he didn't have anywhere to go. I told her that he isn't my responsibility or hers, and she needs to take him to the homeless shelter or drop him off wherever they were planning to stay before and get home. She then asked if he could stay with us. Of course, I said no. She then said that he would be sleeping in her car tonight if I didn't give her money or let him stay here. I told her that she had ten minutes to get home, or the police will be called.
She made it home and handed me her keys. Now, I don't know what to do. I know that it wouldn't be a good place for her, but should I let her stay with her dad's wife? After all, her dad and his wife were the ones that gave her alcohol before. Also, all of his wife's kids dropped out of high school and one got pregnant after they let her boyfriend live with them. Should I follow the old poem, "if you love something set it free?" I've been praying like crazy, but my head is so muddled right now that I'm not thinking clearly. Any advice is appreciated and all prayers are desperately needed.
Thank you
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No. NO. NOO. If I was you, and I know I am not, I would tell her that her actions are not acceptable and you will not "reward" her by letting her move out of your house. Melissa, you have been through hell and back..year after year for your children. The way that Beth is acting is nothing but pure rebellion. YOU are her parent. YOU raised her. YOU keep the keys..keep the money where it is, and, until she "grows up", keep that boy out of her life, as much as possible. Don't give up by letting her move out. I am praying for this situation.
I'm so sorry about how rough last night was. I can't imagine. Ten years ago I was Beth's age and I remember the power struggle I had with my parents. Even in the heat of it, I was glad my mom got so upset because it meant that she cared about me. I'd never have admitted it of course! But on a subconscious level, I appreciated their worry.
It doesn't sound like letting her live with her dad's wife is a great plan. I'd insist that she stay with you. She'll be 18 soon and then she can do what she wants. But in the meantime, I think keeping control of the keys, the money, and her whereabouts is a wise plan. Praying for you Melissa! Thanks for letting me read this post.
Beth is trying to manipulate you to get her way, and claiming she can prove you are an unfit parent was purely a manipulative ploy. Shame on her! You know my son did the same crazy stuff. I would be out at night searching for him after he slipped out a bedroom window. Got him a week's stay at a boys shelter with the help of his counselor to try to scare him straight. I called the police many times on him. I looked into wilderness camps, but it wasn't until after he ran away on his 17th birthday that I was able to get him into one. That was the best 5 months of my life, and I only wish he could have stayed longer and gotten his GED, but he aged out of it.
We can't control our kids, but we can provide consequences. All you can really do is tell her that by her choices, she chooses consequences, both good and bad. Let her apply for emancipation; show no fear. She is not capable of taking care of herself and has already proven she isn't willing to make good choices. I don't think any judge worth his salt would declare her fit to be independent. Anyway, that was likely bluster on her part.
Your job as parent of a minor is to be responsible for her, so setting something you love free doesn't apply yet. Unless you set her "free" in a wilderness camp for troubled teenage girls.
I agree with what's already been said. You cannot compromise your beliefs as a Christian or a parent to appease her. Her boyfriend is controlling her money, her car, and is obviously contributing to her disrespect toward you and your property to boot. I have a friend whose 2nd oldest daughter is marrying someone like that after Christmas. He's also abusive. It is a nightmare for them.
Her bullcrap about you being an unfit parent is nothing more than a ploy because she knows it will push your buttons. All you can do is sit down and explain your choices/decisions. She cannot just 'go live' with your ex's separated wife without permission. She's obviously not a good choice regardless!
Don't enable her behaviour in any way. As hard as it is, she needs to know that you will not compromise.
My comment posted twice so I deleted the 2nd one.
Melissa, I am so sorry. I don't think I can give much advice as I have not had situations quite like yours with my kids. I do agree with what has been advised you from your other friends, and will definitely keep you in my prayers.
First of all, I'm sorry to hear this is going on.
Secondly, talk to her. Just talk. No conditions, no restrictions, no value judgements, just talk. You know this kid better than anyone and something is hurting her deeply. No punishment is going to solve that. No restrictions are going to make that better.
Thirdly, tell her the reason you won't let her leave is because you've watched her grow into the person she is becoming, and you don't want to miss out on the last part of the journey. It's too important to you to see it to the end. Don't make it about anyone else, just about how you want to be the one to help answer the big questions, and you want to be the one to be part of her struggles.
What ever you do, coming down like a tonne of bricks or putting huge restrictions will defeat the purpose. It's not about punishing Beth, it's about finding out where all of this is coming from. It's an easy assumption to think this is coming from her boyfriend, but my gut says there's something more.
Protect her money, keep her safe from a car that could be used to kill someone, but don't yell at her or demand or preach. The trust is gone on both sides. You have to help get it back.
Apparently my name comes up as "Cookie", but it's Debb
Brenda above pretty much said what I had in mind. You know we've had some tough times with our girls & Krys really had us scared at 16.
Stand your ground. Let her face consequences & fall on her butt if that's the choice she makes. Remind her you love her even when she hates you but love means being willing to make the hard choices.
I put my Mum through hell and Krys put my thru hell. I wouldn't change the relationship I have with Krys for anything. Only just 25 and she understands a little more every day the love we have for her because her husband never had it. She's seen it thru his eyes too.
Beth thinks she knows everything and you're a moron. It's part of the brain damage of adolescence. She well grow out of it.
We love you and you have our prayers. Stand strong Mom.
Brenda above pretty much said what I had in mind. You know we've had some tough times with our girls & Krys really had us scared at 16.
Stand your ground. Let her face consequences & fall on her butt if that's the choice she makes. Remind her you love her even when she hates you but love means being willing to make the hard choices.
I put my Mum through hell and Krys put my thru hell. I wouldn't change the relationship I have with Krys for anything. Only just 25 and she understands a little more every day the love we have for her because her husband never had it. She's seen it thru his eyes too.
Beth thinks she knows everything and you're a moron. It's part of the brain damage of adolescence. She well grow out of it.
We love you and you have our prayers. Stand strong Mom.
Brenda above pretty much said what I had in mind. You know we've had some tough times with our girls & Krys really had us scared at 16.
Stand your ground. Let her face consequences & fall on her butt if that's the choice she makes. Remind her you love her even when she hates you but love means being willing to make the hard choices.
I put my Mum through hell and Krys put my thru hell. I wouldn't change the relationship I have with Krys for anything. Only just 25 and she understands a little more every day the love we have for her because her husband never had it. She's seen it thru his eyes too.
Beth thinks she knows everything and you're a moron. It's part of the brain damage of adolescence. She well grow out of it.
We love you and you have our prayers. Stand strong Mom.
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