As parents, it is our job to protect our children while still allowing them to make age appropriate choices and trusting them to make the correct choices. When they don't make the correct choices or their choices are difficult for them, we need to be there for them to encourage them not to give up.
Beth made a choice this weekend that was really hard for me. She chose to spend the weekend with her dad. As a single mom, this has been one of the toughest things I've had to deal with. The memories of the abuse I suffered at the hands of this man are near the surface and threaten to cloud my judgment at times. My dislike for him as a person colors my interactions with him. His unwillingness to use a toothbrush, vacuum cleaner, or shower make me want to just keep my daughter to myself and deny her the opportunity to choose to have a relationship with her dad. I've had to quit focusing on what I want and focu on what is best for my daughter and what God's will is in this situation.
I've been praying about Beth's relationship with her dad for quite a few years. She is almost sixteen years old, and I've raised her well, so I know that she has a good head on her shoulders. She has proven that she is capable of making good decisions in other areas of her life. I need to allow her to cultivate a relationship with her dad on her terms, and right now, those terms include spending time with him. She has, however, decided that she doesn't want to spend time with him alone and will only spend time at his house if her stepsister is there. Her stepsister is a girl who does not make good decisions, but she does a good job acting as a buffer between Beth and her dad.
This weekend, Beth's choice was to spend the night. This may not seem like a big deal, but to me, it is a huge deal. Friday night was the first night she has spent with her dad since she was eight months old. Then, after spending Friday night at his house, she chose to spend Saturday night as well. I know it is selfish, but I don't like sharing my Beth with her dad. I don't want this to turn into an every other weekend kind of thing. I want her to myself. She has come so far as a person. In second grade, she was an out of control kid, her ADHD controlling her personality. She had regular tantrums that I called "Hurricane Beth" and was failing every subject in school. With counseling, patience, research, careful parenting, a whole lot of prayer, and her desire to be the best Beth she can be, she has turned into an amazing young lady. I hate the idea of her dad showing her off and taking credit for the wonderful person she has become.
Thank you all for letting me get all of this out. I really don't have anyone in real life I can talk to about these things. I'm not sure that I understand why I feel the way I do, but the internal conflicts are there, so I need to get them out.
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5 comments:
My mom was really good about making sure I spent time with my dad if I wanted to. We have a really good relationship now, and I hope the same for Beth. Just keep trusting God for her like you have been her whole life.
I can't imagine how difficult that was for you. While I understand Bethy's curiosity, it's hard to swallow. However, maybe she needs to come to a conclusion of her own. It may very well include some disappointment, unfortunately. Trust in what you have taught her and how you have raised her. She's at an age where they're trying to figure out 'who' they are. Being that he's her other bioloical 'half,' some part of her wants to validate that part in some way. Let's face it, he hasn't exactly been Parent of the Year and part of her maybe feels that she wasn't good enough. Perhaps this is how she'll discover that the problems lie with him and see her own worth fully through God the Father's eyes, and yours.
I have the opposite problem. I WISH my daughter's father wanted to spend time with her--real time, not this every other week meet for lunch after church and then forget about her crap. She feels inconvenient, as he always has his "new" family, church, home, and work getting his attention so that he doesn't have time to do anything fun or meaningful. She feels unloved.
However, I remember when he "went bad," how I didn't want him to be the fun parent. I didn't want him to take the good stuff away from me. But then it turned out he didn't care about being the fun parent, and that's when I changed my mind and wanted him to be the fun dad and make memories with our kids! The only overnight visits my daughter ever had was at my request so I could attend a conference. She's had two jobs now, and he's never come to see her at either one. I see how hurt she is. Sure, I do my part as her mother, but in her eyes, that's what I'm supposed to do. It's the absent parent who gets attention because they have the freedom to care or not, and our girls desperately want them to care. Rightly or wrongly, in their eyes, we are doing what we "have" to do. They probably won't understand how much we've done for them until they are mothers themselves.
Cassidy's dad is the one I wish wanted to spend time with her. She is now at the point where she won't spend time with him even if he wants to because he has let her down so often. He just acts like she doesn't matter. He posts pictures and tells stories about spending time with his son but never even attempts to contact her. It is really sad.
I'm so sorry. I can't even begin to understand what this is like for you, and I'm not going to pretend to. I do know that it is part of each of us to want to know and be known by both biological parents as well as to love and be loved by both. It is only natural for her to want to know him and be loved by him, but that doesn't make it any easier for you, I'm sure. Especially not when he's coming in and claiming credit for all of your hard work. Praying for God to give you peace and comfort in this time and for Him to lead and direct Beth.
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