I know it has been awhile since I last wrote a blog. I guess I've been waiting until I had something good to say or something optimistic to report, but it doesn't seem like that is going to happen any time soon. I just keep reminding myself to keep pressing on and trusting God.
I've been fighting depression lately. I keep pushing it away, but it keeps trying to fight its way in. It is really tough because I have no job, no job prospects, and am not getting enough on unemployment to survive. My credit scores are dropping because I can't afford to pay all of my bills each month. I pay just what is necessary to keep a roof over our heads, food on the table, and to look for a job. Don't tell the kids, but I'm even thinking about getting rid of the dogs because it would save me $50 a month. I just can't bring myself to do it at this time.
I find myself getting bitter, and I hate it because it isn't me. I'm angry that neither Ivan or Kevin feel the need to help support their kids. I understand that neither one of them is working, but neither am I. Why are the kids only my responsibility? I can't afford their basic needs right now, let alone paying for sports, honor choir, birthday presents, or even new shoes.
I also have a hard time dealing with my dad. He doesn't seem to understand how tough it is to find a job right now or make it right now. Then, to make things worse, when I try to keep my spirits up by talking about my blessings, he has to throw a wet towel on things and remind me of everything that is going wrong in my life. I'm trying to limit my contact with him right now, but it isn't easy because he calls and drops in more than ever.
I meet with a woman at the college on money to talk about taking some classes that will help me figure out where to go from here. When I talked to her earlier this week, she told me that my chances of getting into the program aren't good because I don't have much in the way of a support system locally. Except my dad, who I'm trying to avoid, I don't have any contact with adults. I have no friends. It is basically the kids and me against the world. They said that acceptance into the class requires letters of support from friends who know me well and are a part of my life. I just don't have that right now. I just need to let God control this. If he wants me in the program, it will happen.
One good thing is that Viki is with a new host family. She has been gone for three weeks. Unfortunately, they let her stay up as late as she wants on the computer and let her skip meals, but I can't worry about her. She's no longer my responsibility. I need to try to keep my focus on the Lord and try to stay optimistic.
I guess that's it for now. Thanks for listening.
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3 comments:
(((Melissa))) Do you have any friend/acquaintances left from your girl scout days who would write a letter for you? I would gladly write one for you, but being on the opposite coast might raise eyebrows. I still have the collage of me and the kids that you made; it's framed and hanging in the living room.
None of the adults during the Girl Scout days really talked to me. I was always just hanging out with the kids. I literally have no adults locally that know me well enough to write a letter. I have a few acquaintances, but basically, I talk to my kids, avoid my dad, and that's it.
{{{{{hugs}}}}} I'm so sorry. Continuing to pray that God will guide you through this valley and bring you through it quickly. I wish I had more to offer than prayers...
<3
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